It's the last weekend of my year in Taiwan! And also of the most amazing year of my life, haha - though of course I hope to follow up with even more awesome ones in the years to come.
It's been awhile since my last update. First because I became a little wary of blogging when going through everything necessary for work this summer. Then because I was moving all over the city ("moving my house", as I now say under the influence of Chinese grammar) - 5 places in the space of a month! And finally because trying to write something in summary of the year is really difficult. My English comes out all goopy now, but the bigger problem is just trying to talk genuinely about my experience here without ending up imposing some kind of moral on it and without sounding annoyingly happy. I'll try my best but be forwarned that most of what follows is not to anyone in particular - I try to give some advice that might help if you are doing something like what I did (going abroad for a year to study Chinese in Taiwan), but most of this post is just so that I can remember how I thought about my year abroad as it was coming to a close.
Why has this year been so awesome? Ok, first of all, it was obviously the people. I came here thinking I would NOT make life-long friends at all, because I kind of just wanted to focus on my self and Chinese and Taiwan. But obviously the people I met are what made Taiwan feel like home. Being able to see and speak to my relatives has been so awesome! As well as meeting my dad's friends, who took me in like a member of their family. Everyone I met through language exchange was so cool and fun to talk to. My teachers have been so cool to connect with and I love that we can interact outside of class. The orphans I volunteer with are the most precious kids ever, my coworkers are so nice – and the list goes on, because even strangers in Taiwan have been warm and welcoming.
And then obviously friends from my program - I've met so many diverse, smart, fun people this year. The sheer outpouring of love on my birthday was overwhelming, and that was one of the first times I became very conscious of how much the friends I’d made in Taiwan meant to me.
Study abroad is kind of a trap because people end up connecting most easily with other study abroad students, and then it's like they haven't even left America (or wherever) at all. I'm really glad that I met so many people through ICLP though. This is the first time in my life that my group of friends has been so full of ABC's and that I've interacted with them as ABC's. It partially had to do with having similar Chinese levels and ideas of what it meant to be learning Chinese in Taiwan. I had awesome friends to travel with, eat with, study with, and live with, and this was definitely part of learning about Taiwan. Speaking Chinglish probably made my Chinese a little less fluent, but I don't think cutting myself off from the program and only spending time with locals would have been the right decision at all. It's something to think about when you study abroad, but I think I struck a good balance this year, and all of the people I was friends with contributed to my learning and exploring here.
I love solo-trekking and have had many refreshing hikes and walks on my own this year. In fact, that's also what made this year awesome, the sense of freedom and autonomy that came with the realization that I had the resources, knowledge, ability, and time go anywhere in the country that I wanted. But some of the most valuable time I've spent and coolest places I've been have of course been with friends, so thanks guys!
People have been slowly trickling out of the country since late spring, starting with Colton and Tracy, and I feel like almost every weekend since then has been a goodbye dinner or party. We'll be staying in touch though, since so many people have reasons to go back to America (teachers for work, local friends for school, my New Jersey contingent for New Jersey, everyone for NYC..), and since I plan to come back to Taiwan lots! I've had several moments that really made me realized how attached I am to this place where I just suddenly become very conscious of how much I love Taiwan, and many of these moments were shared with friends.
So what I have I learned this year? First of all is obviously Chinese. I've learned lots of Chinese! I can get by in almost any situation now, even though I might say things incorrectly or strangely. (In fact, I'm a little worried about plateauing now, since I can always communicate what I mean, just in a roundabout way - what if I never learn the correct way to say it!?). Most of the time, at least in daily life, I can speak confidently and without things coming out wrong from nervousness, which I remember always used to happen. I can chat and be friends with people :). I can understand the news and television programs, I can understand newspapers and many books, I can read without thinking every word out loud in my head and making educated guesses about vocab I don't know, I can think about certain academic ideas in Chinese - and I can see how from here I will be able to keep improving without the help of a teacher standing over me.
It is kind of funny that there always remains the possibility of a complete and total language collapse when the conversation turns to certain things, but I guess that's why language learning is a life-long endeavor. It has also been hard to feel totally immersed in Chinese, which I think makes it difficult to feel fully fluent. Even at work, my local coworkers (who are so cool by the way) drop in English ALL THE TIME. Like it's more normal for them to say "case" in kind of a tonal Chinese way than it is to say "檔案" – “你現在有沒有 kay-se?”. Chinese as taught at ICLP doesn't really exist any more, apparently even in grad seminars, which is kind of a problem. I do wish I had gotten some more normal vocab, like for TV remote and stapler and other words that I've learned slowly or not at all, but I guess that's what literature is for now. So anyway I have learned many "intellectual" words and I see the way towards building that and learning other things I may have missed.
I have learned to relax. You may find it illogical that I came to Taiwan with the idea that I was escaping Yale over-achiever culture. Everyone here, from preschoolers to adults, is out all day studying or working, and then has extra classes or unpaid overtime. I needed to come to Asia to even hear about the phenomenon of "過勞死" – working so much that you die! (Which sounded like nonsense to me at first and connects to all these questions about Eastern and Western science and causality, but that's for another time). Plus doesn't studying Chinese just mean sitting at a desk memorizing tons of things? But I think it was being an outsider in that culture that let me feel free to not overwork myself, as well as the fact that learning about Taiwan and learning Chinese is a lot about exploring and putting yourself out there. I think I've adopted a much healthier attitude towards school and my priorities in terms of health and happiness and I've learned to make decisions about what to learn and how, rather than just always trying to fulfill the teacher's expectations and outdo myself.
I've learned the importance to my mental and physical health of going to the gym everyday. I hope in the future that I can have a lifestyle that lets me do that, since every time I've gotten sick this year has been after missing several gym trips in a row.
I've learned that living alone in a city is quite do-able! And actually awesome! There are always places to explore and it's fun to organize your life and figure out where things are. Also now that I have moved around the city so many times I feel like I've learned so much more about different neighborhoods of Taipei. It's so convenient to get around here and to buy things and to get out of the city when you need it! Also there are a lot of things you can live without if you want to: a heater in the winter, a poncho in a place that rains everyday, a dryer in a humid climate, nice shoes and clothes.. hehe, and it's not too bad!
I've learned how much effect your environment can have on you. Moving to a low stress, happy place makes it easy to be happy. (Now that my place is nice and air-conditioned and I don't wake up every hour to kill a mosquito, it sometimes feels like I'm not in Taipei anymore. I almost miss my mosquito-y shoebox.) Oh, and how much your mode of transportation affects you as well. At first, I worked hard to figure out how buses worked here. They finally started making sense and I figured out how much more a part of the city you feel taking buses rather than the MRT. Don't get me wrong - the MRT is amazing, especially if you don't know much about Taipei and want to get to the standard places quickly and comfortably! I have a feeling that Taipei's MRT makes more sense than any other city in the world's (though I've only experienced NYC, London, Beijing, and HK). But buses are so much more flexible and you learn a lot more about where you are since you can see where you're going.
Then I started doing so much walking around Taipei - I would walk places that were 30 or 40 minutes away! Just like on the bus, you see so much more of the city and learn a lot more about where you are, but you also have this sense of freedom and that you can go anywhere. You can stop at little shops that you see and I almost always ended up with a drink or snack in a bag. And after Anthony left me his bike, I started biking everywhere, especially the commute to work. Taipei roads and sidewalks are really an obstacle course! There is always some weird thing blocking your way, and no one in Taipei knows how to drive or walk in a straight line. Biking feels really free, and you can get places so quickly. Also a little stressful, but maybe even more like you are part of the city.
So I would highly recommend to anyone who will be in Taipei for awhile to go as long as possible without taking a taxi. Figure out the bus system, figure out the roads, figure out the milk tea stands. Talk to people about living in the city! Just the other day, I learned from my driver that my favorite roads in Taipei, Dunhua and RenAi, were built for President Eisenhower's visit to Taiwan. No wonder the roads have such beautiful trees :) - and the person I was talking to had been there for the parade in 1960! In addition to learning some history, you will find lots of places to eat and shop and watch performances by getting to know the city yourself (busing and walking!) and by talking to other people (but not always taking all of their advice).
Last night I walked home from Guting. It was about a 40 minute walk. I used 101 as a landmark and got to walk through Freedom Square, formerly Chiang Kai-Shek Memorial Square. Taipei makes so much sense as a city once you've been here awhile and just accept the things that don't make sense at first. It's funny how things just fall into place now that I've been here awhile - there are fewer and fewer times when I hop on the bus and end up in the totally wrong part of town, and more and more times when I realize I want a milk tea and know just where to go, or who to text for that information, the easiest way to bike and when to leave so that I don't get soaked in the daily afternoon rain storm.
Taiwan is a unique and special and amazing place. I think what let me finally discover that and the biggest thing that contributed to this year being a success was the attitude I arrived with. I knew I would be in Taiwan for awhile, so what else was there to do but embrace it, including everything less than ideal about it, and get excited about exploring new things. To everyone who comes here and doesn't learn the language or doesn't eat new foods or doesn't travel - what are you even doing here?! So my advice to everyone who comes here is to forget about what you do and don't like and just try new things. Have the street food that richer Taiwanese tell you is too dirty (just make sure it's somewhere with lots of other customers!), figure out how to go places alone and then take friends there, forget about your bug bites and the rain and the humidity and the heat and just enjoy it :)
Another thing I've learned is to not listen to people when they tell you what they don't or don't like. Don't listen to yourself! This is something my dad always tells me and I probably understood on some level but I didn't really understand until I experienced it. Who knew that after only a short time here, when I always thought of myself as "not Chinese", I would like to sing KTV, play Mahjiang, and drink milk tea - these things were always jokes to me before! I'm still not too into soup or the fashion here, and I still think it's more healthy and beautiful when girls are a little tan and have muscles- but some of my tastes have definitely changed. Some part of me even believes now that drinking cold things is bad for you. I've even adjusted to the humidity - when I moved to my new apartment with a dehumidifier, I started to feel like the air was too dry.
It's insane how much you will adapt if you just accept that you are in a new place and going to be there for awhile. If you can try to ignore your biases and your habits, you will find yourself living in a way that trashes all of the extraneous biases that have piled up with completely no thought from your history and your culture. While it may hurt to let go of some of these biases, I think in the end you come out with a more true reflection of who you are. It's taken me so many trips to Taiwan to get to that point, but I hope that in the future when I move to new places I can approach them in the same way.
The most valuable things I did this year were all outside of the classroom. This whole blog has been about my Chinese and my friends and my travels and daily life, but here are two other things that made this year completely amazing. The first was finding an orphanage of children affected by AIDS to volunteer at. I love this place so much - you can go there and play and read and eat with the kids anytime. The kids are super cute and smart and fun. For them alone, I wish I were staying in Taiwan longer. I would highly recommend finding a volunteer experience if you go study abroad, it is so meaningful and even good language practice. [If you are in Taipei and want to learn more about volunteering, send me an email and I can connect you with a lot of resources!]
The second is work. I would have never gotten the awesome internship I have now without this year helping me surpass minimal professional proficiency in Chinese. It's helping me learn about diplomacy and Taiwan and what I want to do with my life. Moreover, I don't think I actually felt like someone who lives in Taipei until I was a member of the 上班族, grabbing quick lunches and commuting back home after work in my little heels and pant suit. So if you are studying abroad for a year, I would also highly recommend staying longer in a professional capacity if you can, to use some Chinese at work and meet people in non-academic circles. Working with the local staff here has been such a joy :)
It's been strange to figure out that I relate so much better now with local Taiwanese than with most Americans here, at least the ones that have barricaded themselves off from Taiwan culture or are in various states of culture shock. It's so easy and natural now to talk to my old teachers outside of class or to my coworkers - and weirdly enough, it's not so much with Americans! It's funny because I've gone through most of the things they have - coming to Taiwan and finding things strange, or wrong, or exotic, or stinky. I still kind of feel like that a tiny bit! Because please, just a few years ago, I was the brat who only wanted to eat McRib sandwiches at McDonald’s when I came to Taiwan. Now though, I feel so much a part of Taiwan and wherever else I may have differences with locals, that’s one point on which I feel much closer to them than to most Americans here. A lot of expats I encounter just don't seem to want to be really "in" the culture, or if they do it's in this weird way. And a big part of it is language - how can you feel a part of Taiwan without Chinese??
I feel like I'm better now at speaking to strangers or people that I would usually feel distant from, like coworkers or teachers, in Chinese than I am in English. Isn't that weird?? But I think that I'm comfortable speaking to strangers in Chinese because I have some expectation that I can trick them into thinking I'm a Chinese speaker (fun), and I know that if I don't and I say something really stupid - they'll just write it off as a funny foreigner thing. And because I don't have a completely native grasp of Chinese, I worry less about if my language accurately represents the heirarchical relationship we have or is too familiar or not familiar enough - I just do the best I can! Failing finally feels so okay and normal and just the next step towards succeeding.
Whereas in English, I feel like I didn't even really learn how to make small talk until recently. I was a kind of shy (slash more standoffish than shy) child who started with a deep sense that there was a huge social barrier separating me from most adults (or teachers, or strangers), and I didn't really want to talk to most of them as people or get to know them. So in certain situations when I interact socially there is still this baggage and reticence or distance and I kind of just wish they would leave me alone. But in Chinese, every conversation is an opportunity to practice and learn, I know I shouldn't be scared of sounding stupid because I probably will no matter what, and all I have is the language put at my disposal in the last three years of Chinese learning, with almost no history of past awkward or stilted interactions.
So why I feel like this year I've been better able to interact with people as people, rather than as whatever role they play or whatever relationship they have to me, is in part also a function of language. In both Chinese and English I'm still in the process of learning what language goes with what situation - talking with teachers, job interviews, strangers, the elderly - but in Chinese this comes without any baggage, and I started learning from the very beginning how to make small talk. I find that there are social situations in which I'm more talkative, social, and outgoing in Chinese. Plus, a lot of times people start out liking me in Chinese because they appreciate that I'm trying to learn the language. All this to say, it's been surprising to find how many situations there are now where I prefer to speak Chinese over English, even though there are obviously many where my Chinese is not perfect. I no longer find it strange that in the office I find myself gravitating to the area of the room where I hear Chinese being spoken.
I'm still extremely uncomfortable about the relationship between the East and West, or Chinese and English. I'm uncomfortable with how most Taiwanese view Americans and how most Americans view Taiwanese. I hate the insane amount of social currency you can get here by just being white and speaking English. In so many areas of life here you see little hints of the story that's been repeating for awhile now: the West oppresses, dominates, and exotifies the East; the East responds by kowtowing or falling back to some version of tribalism (like Taiwan people who support the rise of China because finally "us Chinese" get a chance to teach American a lesson – um?).
But at least in my own mind the East and West are starting to make peace. I think I'm definitely more open to considering an "Eastern" perspective, if that even means anything, thinking in different ways and not just having reflexively American thoughts. I don't think that means in any way that I've compromised who I am. I hope it means that I'm closer to figuring out what I really believe and thinking with less bias. At the most basic level, study abroad does its best to help you identify and rid yourself of provincialism. I still have a lot more learning to do (Chinese and otherwise) to really understand anything, but I'm looking forward to it.
I think how I self-identify has definitely changed, though I prefer to think of myself as just myself and not a product of genetics or culture or race anyway. I think those kind of identities, like peoples "likes" and dislikes, are pretty much nonsense anyway. At a goodbye dinner, Feng laoshi said that she was talking to one of the other teachers, who said about me: "It's funny, Li-fan (that’s me) looks like a Western person on the outside, but her way of thinking is so Eastern!". I told her, truthfully, that most of my American friends would tell you that it's funny that I look so Asian but have such American thoughts and habits and interests.
Haha, so which am I? How many people have told me that I look completely Taiwanese, that I look Filipino, that they can tell I'm half white, that I don't look Taiwanese at all! And it totally doesn't matter, because most of this Eastern/Western stuff is nonsense. It's fun to think about, but in the end I'm just myself. The more I explore in any culture, the more opportunity I have to choose which parts of which culture and way of thinking I support or want to identify with.
Before I started learning Chinese, I thought of myself (and was) so American. I love baseball and cookouts and fishing and guns and long car rides. And I thought of myself as really "at home" with that - but then why did I want to travel so much? I've gotten to learn so much more about myself, not just more about the world. There's no reason I can't also love rice and milktea and suan mei. Chinese has opened up a whole new world for me.
Speaking of which, SCUBA! deserves it's own entry. Underwater is definitely a completely new world. My amazing, awesome friend Christina is a scuba instructor and she has patiently taught me so that I now have a scuba license!! yea! It is the most amazing thing ever and I probably never would have learned if not for this year and meeting Christina. I want to go all the time and learn about fish and get better at underwater flips :) So yes! Another suggestion, if you are a year-long Light Fellow, is to take the chance to learn a new skill! Because you are young now and you might now get the chance later.
So yes, I'm leaving Taiwan after this weekend. Despite spending my whole last weekend catching up on eating foods I won’t be able to find in the U.S., I come back 10 pounds lighter physically and thousands of pounds lighter emotionally. I have dozens of new sentence patterns and 1000s of Chinese words. A lot of new friends and good memories made with them. I have new ideas about what I might do after graduation and how to use Chinese. I have photos and stories to share when I get home and some new reading material that I can't wait to start – which, I think, is how you know you've had a good trip.
I'm so glad I got to come here. It is without a doubt the Light Fellowship that got me to this point - there is no way I could have learned this much Chinese or spent such an amazing year in Taiwan without it. Thank you Light Fellowship! Thank you to the Light Trustees, for supporting an amazing program and for meeting with all of us. Thank you especially to Kelly for everything, for reading my blog posts and for being awesome! Also to Ann for all of her help from the very beginning J. Erica, also for being there from the beginning and for getting me to seriously consider taking the whole year when my gut reaction was to go with the safe decision. Fedor, for putting the idea of going to ICLP in my head in the first place at that first info meeting. And everyone else who contributed to this or my first Light Fellowship experience, thank you for getting me started on what has been a completely amazing journey. And it’s not over yet, because I can’t wait to go back to Taiwan and probably also China and learn more Chinese!
Anyone who has questions about Taiwan or Chinese or is thinking about studying abroad – don’t hesitate to contact me! I would love to help if I can.
Thank you for reading, friends. Lots of love,
Katie
